The cause of death for Whitney Houston is unknown. Drug abuse and addiction were among her demons, a tragic by-product of success and fame.

Did Whitney Houston feel like anyone loved her for being HER? Would they still love her if she was penniless and unknown? Who could she turn to for unconditional love, when she felt alone, scared and inadequate?

Drug and alcohol abuse/addiction and suicide ranked high on my list of fears for my children. Kids with depression sometimes self-medicate with drug and alcohol abuse. Some carry the burden of depression alone, weighed down in shame, loneliness and lack of connection to an adult.

The best defense against drug/alcohol abuse is a good offense: Prevention. This takes time and attention over decades. YES decades. Parenting is not for the weak or faint-hearted. We hold a vision for what we want our kids to become for a long time. We must follow up with diligence and vigilance.

The actions to stay connected to kids are simple, and you probably already know them. They bear repeating because parenting is about repetition, day after day.

• TIME. Do you spend time regularly with your kids, one-on-one and as a family? Having fun together will connect your family forever. Fun can be as simple as playing Candyland, ping-pong or Wii followed by a dish of ice cream from your freezer. Or a candy bar. Simple, cheap, readily available fun.
• LOVE. This means accepting your children as they are. For example, my daughter Kristen is an art major. “Mom, you’re a good art parent because you don’t ask I’m going to get a real major to make money,” she says. I accept her vision for her life, even if I disagree.
• LIMITS. We are the guard rails on our kids’ bridge of life. The guard rails have to be reasonable, related and respectful (Three Rs-Jane Nelsen, Ph.D.). If a child acts up in a restaurant, instead of “No video games for a week!” (totally unrelated), offer a quiet warning, “Your actions are showing you might not be able to stay in the restaurant. It’s up to you. We can leave now if that’s what you need.” The second might ”punish” parents who have to open a can of soup at home. Do it anyway because such a response is respectful, related and reasonable. The kids will either straighten up or choose to behave better next time.

Parents can regularly dispense time, love and limits like a good habit. Family meetings, family dinner, family chores and the language of encouragement provide structure to connect positively with your children.

Studies show that regular family meals and family connection are the best prevention to drug/alcohol abuse and to promote good judgment. Use the first decade to establish a strong connection and maintain it through adolescence, even under protest.

If you have tweens and teens, you can set up structures to spend time together. Start with a family meeting and ask them how and when they want to spend time together as a family and one-on-one. Make sure kids have a turn at conducting the family meeting. See my free tip sheet on family meetings. My book has chapters on family meetings, encouragement and family dinners and chores.

You can do it. I understand how much time and effort it takes. Some days it feels like they will never grow up, and suddenly, when you’re not looking, it’s over. You’ll be glad for every time you showed patience and tenderness and spent time with them.

Even Tom Brady has bad days.

A radio DJ is asking listeners this morning, “What was good about yesterday’s game?” even though the New England Patriots, our home team, lost yesterday.

Parents can use this kind of question after a child has competed and lost. Parents can use encouragement, one of my favorite ways to  nurture self-confidence and self-esteem and improve a parent-child relationship.

The root of encouragement is courage.

We most need courage after failure, when facing a new or difficult challenge, when we feel insecure. Parents often want to protect kids from failure. It’s much more valuable to encourage kids to be resilient by facing failure and learning from it.

What was true for the Patriots can also be true for your kids. Here are some post-competition statements parents can say to kids, by noticing effort and what was good.  “You didn’t give up until time ran out.” “You gave it your all.” “You showed a lot of teamwork.” “You made many good passes.” “You had some assists.” “Your time was faster.” “Your stroke/swing/stride looked stronger since last time.” “You and your team showed good sportsmanship.”

Post-competition questions are also useful to kid and the Patriots. “What would you do differently next time?” “What did you learn?” “Did you have fun?” “How do you feel?”

I guarantee that mentoring your child to fail and still maintain hope and courage is a hundred times better than an easy victory. We always learn more from failure than victory. When we finally achieve victory is it all the sweeter.

I highly recommend "The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness" by Ed Hallowell, MD

Dr. Hallowell is a super writer and has much insight into childhood and childhood happiness. It’s about positive parenting and our overall approach to parenting. Dr. Hallowell tells some marvelous stories and shares research about childhood and how to have a happy childhood, the roots of happiness. Dr. Ned Hallowell has written a number of books on ADD and ADHD. This book isn’t about ADD or ADHD. It is a good parenting book. Good parenting books are hard to find. I like his tone, his ideas and his approach.” When I ask parents to list the highest aspirations for their children, many often say “happiness” and “to be happy.”

We must turn to a leprechaun to find this elusive and pot of gold — Dr. Edward Hallowell. His book, “The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness” contains stories, research on happiness, and insight from raising three children and advising families for several decades.

Here are the five childhood roots of adult happiness: connection, play, practice, mastery, and recognition. Notice the absence of the words discipline, consequences, praise, reward and punishment. Dr. Hallowell gives many wonderful examples of the importance of connection and how to get more of it without instilling fear and punishment.

Hallowell’s research on happiness adds credibility to the book. Even though happiness is subjective, many researchers have studied this enigmatic state. The fundamental fact that he uncovered is this: a strong parent-child connection is the foundation to happiness.

Hallowell’s book and my parenting approach nestle together like two spoons. What I call mutual respect and encouragement is called by Hallowell creating “confident can-do kids” by allowing them to try, to fail and to recognized efforts. This foundation for a positive parent-child connection also nurtures resilient children.

Kids who are allowed to fail and who are encouraged to practice more will find more happiness because they can bounce back from setbacks. Kids can take risks when they are confident they can fall back the mattress of unconditional love because they are not beholden to please parents or make them proud.

Dr. Hallowell gives many examples of how to nurture the parent-child connection. Here are a few key ideas we share:

• to do family chores — without pay, with an allowance that’s not connected to chores;
• to foster free play time — which could lead to the next possibility;
• to allow boredom and to encourage the child to figure out what to do next;
• to recognize effort and accomplishment without praise;
• to share family meals, rituals and traditions;
• to read together as long as possible; and
• to nurture the belief that “you can do it.”

This book will make you feel good about how you connect to your children now and how to improve it. I loved reading it because of Dr. Hallowell’s informal writing style. It feels like he is talking to you and sharing what he has learned — from a not-so-perfect childhood and not-so-perfect parenting, that we can all relate to.

BTW — Come to a one-night positive parenting workshop tonight, Monday, Jan. 30, 2012 in Acton, Mass. Act don’t Yak. Walk-ins welcome. 7-9 pm at the R.J. Gray Junior High on Charter Road, off Route 111 in Acton.  Hope to see you there.

Every parent strives to be good and create happy memories like the one above. All we have to be is good enough. There is no perfect parent or perfect childhood.

“I’m a bad mother,” said “Zoe” a  young mother of three children, 7, 5 and 2, at my ”Act Don’t Yak” workshop on how to cut the yelling last week in Littleton.

“Zoe” repeated that statement several times during the workshop on positive parenting techniques. “I’m doing so much wrong,” she said sadly.

Act Don’t Yak – how to cut the yelling in half. Monday, Jan. 23, 7-9 pm at Roudenbush Community Center. $25. Call to register 978-692-5511 or go online.

“Do I have to?” How chores teach the priceless gift of self-discipline. Wednesday, Jan. 25, FREE at the Pollard Middle School 200 Harris Avenue, Needham. 7-9 p.m. Sponsored by the Needham Women’s Club.

Act Don’t Yak — how to cut the yelling in half. Thursday, Jan. 26, Harvard, Mass. Community Education, 7-9 pm. Email jcavanaugh@psharvard.org to register. $25.

Hope to see you at some of these workshops this week. Repetition helps when learning new habits. Bring a spouse or friend, ready to laugh as you learn.

I joined a gym in November to get in shape. Many people are joining gyms this month as part of a new year’s resolution. We all know that words [and resolutions] are cheap — watch the feet [and the follow-through].

The same is true for parenting.

Pumping iron is repetitious and sometimes boring, much like parenting. With a positive attitude and eye on the long-term goal, pumping the iron of parenting habits will bring rewards.

Bob is the best. While raising the four kids, we made sure to carve out "we time" to keep our marriage going. It was a good habit, like going to the gym.

I’m headed to Paris for a week with my starter husband of 31 years. (We started young) and I’m worried about keeping up my new exercise and eating habits.

The same is true for parenting. Vacations interfere with setting up good habits. Dessert looks too tempting. We skip a few days of our new routine. The days and desserts pile up and we give up. The new habit is forgotten.

Which is why we need to read blogs, connect with parents at parenting workshops, read parenting books, evaluate what you’re doing, co-parent from the same playbook, and get parenting coaching.

A couple I’m coaching privately, I’ll call “Meg and Mike,” long for a closer family. They’ve crossed the first of four hurdles described by Buddhist nun Pema Chodron: Recognize, Refrain, Relax, Resolve.

It takes courage to recognize that what you’re doing isn’t working. In seminars, I tell the story of hitting a low point over a pair of green boots with my son Ian, then 2 years old. His brother was 3 and a half, and his sister 5 years old. The green boots incident motivated me to get serious about new parenting habits — in spite of excuses – holidays, sliding backwards, missing days, messing up and beating myself up for past mistakes.

The bottom line: there are no perfect parents, perfect people or perfect bodies. We go to the gym because we feel better and make incremental progress, that isn’t always easy to see. We know it’s good for us and will protect us if we succumb to that dessert and miss a few days of workouts. So we keep at it and look at the long-term goal.

As it is with parenting. The long-term goal is important. We will slip and slide along the way. We must have faith in ourselves and our kids while building better habits for a positive family environment, and a healthy lifelong family connection.

Act Don’t Yak is an easy-to-follow 2012 resolution.

NOTE: Join us at a Positive Parenting Seminar, “Act Don’t Yak” on Monday Jan. 9, 2012, 7-9 pm in Littleton. Click here for info.

“It’s so hard to make new habits,” parents say in my parenting seminars and private practice. It’s true — ANY new habit is challenging to establish and maintain.

Think of a habit as a groove on a record — yes, an old-fashioned LP. When you are stuck in a groove, the record keeps getting deeper as it replays itself. Parents sound like a broken record when they threaten, punish, praise, reward and spank. These negative parenting practices do NOT develop long-term good decision making, and they erode a parent-child relationship.

Take the lead from your kids and start with small steps. Rotate practicing one of the habits each week for three months. Write them out on index cards or 8 x 11 sheets as in the photo at left, and post them on your bathroom mirror as a reminder. They are deceptive simple, extremely effective and will bring results for tots-to-teens.

1. Have regular family meetings to connect, communicate, share the load of housework, empower children, and practice mutual respect. Set the goal of having them weekly, every-other-week or monthly. They create the foundation for everything you want your family and child to be.

2. Act don’t yak [Dr. Sam Goldstein]. This one habit can transform your family communication from horrendous to harmonious. Stop threatening, yelling and repeating. Say it ONCE and then take action. This applies to kids of all ages. Otherwise kids tune parents out and become mother-dear and father-deaf.

3. Be kind, firm and consistent. No one is perfect in this department. However, you can learn new language. “I’m sorry Brittany. I know you’d like to me to give you money to buy that XYZ. Remember at the family meeting we agreed that you would use your allowance to buy such things? I’m sure you can save up for it.”

4. Learn the art of encouragement, also known as constructive praise. GIVE UP using “I’m so proud of you,” which creates external motivation and can only be used after success. Start saying, “Well done! How do you feel about it?” “Look at what you did. Tell me about it.” Encouragement can be given after failure. Ask, “What did you learn?” “What would you differently next time?” Give them courage to try again and cultivate intrinsitic motivation.

5. Use natural and logical consequences that follow the three Rs-   Related, Reasonable and Respectful [Dr. Jane Nelsen]. Otherwise your kids will resort to the negative three Rs– Resentment, Rebellion and Revenge. These get uglier and more dangerous as children mature into teens and have more freedom.

See free tip sheets on encouragement, natural and logical consequences and family meetings, or order the book for reinforcement.

These positive parenting practices are built on a foundation of mutual respect — where everyone has rights and responsibilities and is treated with dignity. Mistakes are looked upon as opportunities to grow and learn NOT as reasons to punish. Accomplishments, pride and new skills belong to a young person — NOT to parents.

You can do it. Start small. Encourage yourself by noticing progress. Any progress is improvement. Comments always welcomed.

The best gift you can exchange in your family is time.  Some of my favorite gifts of all time have been certificates for experiences and deeds done together.

Give them three gifts from Santa and spend the rest of the day cultivating a holiday tradition that will last long after the batteries die out from the high-tech gifts. Here are some of my favorite simple traditions.

• Take a long walk in the woods or in a park on Christmas Day.
• Make a special treat together, like cinnamon buns, Christmas cookies or hot cocoa.
• Build a fire inside or out and sing carols and other songs. Kids of all ages LOVE fire. Even if it’s frigid outside, spend some time together gathering firewood and creating the fire pit. This memory will last much longer than any gift you will ever purchase.
• Play some games together that don’t require electricity. Cards, dodge ball, ping-pong, board games, charades, make up a skit, let your imagination go.
• Do a craft together, even if it’s messy. Keep it simple or not. Have fun.

Be present with your kids. SHUT OFF your electronics when you’re with them and ask them for the same courtesy.

Slow down and make the days last. It might seem like your kids will never grow up. The days will morph into years, and they will leave home sooner than you can believe. Childhood will be sealed in a time capsule that can never be revised. The special memories can be retrieved and relived.

What are some of your family traditions?

PS — If you have a difficult child, spending 5 to 15 minutes a day with him or her can dramatically change your relationship and their behavior. Choose the positive attention as prevention, instead of negative detention afterwards.

It’s not their fault that we’re in the midst of one of the biggest marketing campaigns and traditions in the world. They can’t help their excitement and anticipation of the big day because it’s so exciting!

Have empathy that your tots-to-teens are going crazy waiting for the biggest day of the year.

Come to Littleton tonight, Monday, Dec. 12, 7-9 pm for a parents forum on reducing holiday stress. See previous blog post for directions. It’s only $15 if you RSVP to susan @ susantordella dot net. Bring a friend and it’s only $20 for two.

Here are three suggestions to defuse the holiday stress, that we women mostly heap on ourselves, in response to impossible standards set by the media, that we internalize. Martha Stewart has a crew of dozens to create her “effortless” crafts, meals and decorations. No one can live up to those ridiculous benchmarks.

1. Make peace with yourself and quit doing so much decorating, cooking, baking, partying, eating, celebrating, buying and whatever else makes you crazy this time of year. Celebrating Christmas is optional! How much you celebrate it is up to you. Don’t feel obliged to get everyone in your life a gift, especially your kids’ teachers. They don’t need all of that stuff. If you want to give something, give school supplies they might purchase with their own money or donate a book to the school library or to someone who needs it.

2. Have a family meeting. Find out what traditions the kids like and/or want to create, then do it. It might mean staying home and making and decorating Christmas cookies together instead of going to “The Nutcracker.” Simple is best. Make hot cocoa and sing holiday songs by the fire. Play games from last December that are in the closet. Take some time to decorate the tree together. Slow down. Don’t rush. Be grateful. Cook some traditional holiday foods together. You are creating memories.

Remember that holding regular family meetings is the greatest gift you give to your family because they reinforce everything you want your kids to be — connected, capable, confident, respectful and fun.

3. Make a list of gratitudes. At the family meeting, ask everyone to make a list of things they are grateful for. Either put the list on the Christmas tree or near the Menorah, or write the gratitudes down on index cards. You can cut the cards into simple holiday shapes and make a hole at the top to hang them on the tree with a twist tie, yarn or wire ornament hangers. They can be as simple as, “I’m glad we have a dog.” “Visits to grandma.” “My Legos.” “Good health.” “Family.”

There are less than two weeks to go until the biggest day of the year. Enjoy it as it comes and then goes away for another year.

Join a positive parenting session on Monday, Dec. 12, 7-9 pm to remind you how to maintain goodwill during this season of celebration.

Touch base with positive parenting principles and share with other parents.Make the two hour informal workshop a holiday gift to your family. Remember what fun it is to ride the one horse open sleigh of positive parenting.

7-9 pm  Monday, Dec. 12.  RSVP to susan.tordella@gmail.com and admission is $15, 2 for $20 (bring a spouse or friend). Bring payment.

$20 at the door, 2 for $25 Drop-ins and babes in arms welcome. 

Mark your calendar for the January Positive Parenting Forum — Monday, Jan. 9, 7-9 pm, same place, at Exit 31, Route 495 near IBM in Littleton, Mass.

DIRECTIONS

NOTE: It’s CRITICAL to enter the old Mill building through the correct door.

From Rt. 110 in either direction, go to the intersection of Rt. 119 and turn north to I-495.  The building is the first building on the left after the turn. 

From locations South, take I-495 North to Exit 31 at Rt. 119. At the end of the ramp turn left.   The mill building is on the right hand side.

From Boston, take Rt. 2 West, then take I-495 North to Exit 31/Rt. 119. Take ramp right and left at the stop sign.   Mill building is on the right.  

From Boston, take Rt. 2 West to the Concord Rotary, then take Rt. 2A/119 West.  Follow it to Rt. 110 in Littleton center.  The Mill Building is just after the intersection on the left.  This route is shorter from Boston but may be a little slower.

From locations North, take I-495South to Exit 31/Rt. 119. At the end of the ramp, go right onto Rt. 119, over the freeway. The Mill building will be on the right.  

Parking:  The most convenient parking is the lot closest to the intersection of Rt. 119 and Rt. 110 at the sign for Cloak and Dagger.  Go to the back of the parking lot and take the steps up to the loading dock.  Enter the red door on your right with a sign on it that says “Creating Life Studio.”  Take the stairs to the top floor to the studio.