Difficult children respond to encouragement
Ian, 3, with his favorite dinosaur. Today at age 27, Ian teaches kite-boarding, is an organic farmer, and can play five instruments, including the fiddle, which he taught himself to play.
My son Ian was the third of our four children, born in just under seven years. At age 2, he was difficult: stubborn, vocal and committed to get what he wanted. I didn’t like him much.At seminars today, I describe Impossible Ian, how encouragement transformed our relationship, and how you, too, can learn the art of encouragement.
Another term for encouragement is “positive psychology,” pioneered by authors Martin E.P. Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.
"Flourish" by Martin E.P. Seligman is worth reading. I'm listening to it as a recorded book.
In “Flourish” Seligman presents research that shows positive comments must outnumber negative remarks by 3-to-1 for a company to succeed. For a marriage to succeed, the ratio must be a mind-boggling 5-to-1.If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it!
I teach parents to say something nice that will get kids to learn good judgment, the cause-and-effect of behavior choices, and nurture the parent-child connection.
The first task is to give up praise. I know this is heresy because Americans give everyone a trophy for breathing so their precious self-esteem won’t suffer. This leads to what I call self-excess-teem, and young people with no work ethic because they want a standing ovation for showing up.
Here’s a comparison between praise and encouragement devised by parents in a workshop last week. You can see which one wins.
Encouragement might feel awkward at first. Practice self-encouragement — notice what you’re doing well — to get past the awkward stage. Remember it takes three weeks to establish a habit. This is a fun habit to learn that is useful for everyone in your life.
Praise Encouragement
Similar to candy Similar to an apple
General Specific
Given after success only Given anytime, including after failure
About how adults think/do/feel About how children think/do/feel
Creates external motivation Creates internal motivation
Hollow, insincere Authentic, descriptive
Promotes unrealistic self-beliefs Nurtures genuine self-esteem
Obedience is the goal Questions actions/beliefs/authority
Patronizing Respectful
High energy, excited Low-key, balanced
Exaggerated True
Celebrates accomplishment only Notices efforts made and progress
Highly verbal Can be silent
What’s your encouragement score today with your kids and your spouse? Have authentic positive statements outweighed the negative? You can do it 
And enjoy using encouragement. Start with yourself.
Tags: "flourish", "Flow", Difficult children, Martin E.P. Seligman, mihaly csikszentmihalyi, positive psychology, work ethic
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March 19, 2012 at 7:08 am
Could you give some examples of what you would say for encouragement vs praise? Thanks.
March 26, 2012 at 6:48 am
Have you begun using encouragement instead of praise when you want to acknowledge your child? Or you want him/her to do something?
March 19, 2012 at 7:13 am
Give me an exaple of a challenge in your home and what you might normally say. I’ll translate it to encouragement
March 20, 2012 at 7:44 am
FOR EXAMPLE: child dawdles in the morning before school. Mom/dad typically says, “Are you ready yet? I told you five times to get your shoes and backpack!”
INSTEAD: Mom/dad can say, “What’s next on the list you made to get ready in the morning?”
“You have one shoe on. Do you know where the other shoe is?”
“It’s 8:10. You have 10 minutes to go. What do you need to do to get ready?”
Can you see the difference?
March 20, 2012 at 7:57 am
Yes, that is very helpful, Thanks!! What about when they bring home tests/homework. Sometimes there are 100s, and I want to praise, but how do I encourage instead? Also, what if they bring home an 80 with no studying, which could have been much higher with a bit of effort…?
March 20, 2012 at 8:15 am
great question
Make it about how THEY think-do-feel.
Ask them questions.
“Nice score. How do you feel about it?”
“You worked hard to get that grade.”
“Your hard work paid off.”
“What do you think about your score? What would have happened if you did something differently?”
If they have failed, {which doesn’t seem like a problem for yours}
notice the problems/questions they got right and ask, “What did you do on these questions?”